Life Complete.

A dream. That is how it felt.  To look up and see this grown boy. Seemingly a man.  There I sat in that long car ride to Naches. A little boy awaiting.
My sister and I drove from Seattle to Zillah in a short period of time.  I was giddy almost the entire trip. Giddiness soon turned to anxiousness. Anxiousness then turned into pure excitement, laced with fear.
What will I say? How will he receive me? We've e-mailed for months and spoken only once. Will we have a connection?
As soon as I saw N & T I knew that all would be okay.  They stepped out of the minivan looking just as I'd remembered.  Funny that when I met them I actually said that I wanted them to say "thank you" - and now the only words I could think of were (are) thank you.  Somehow, things have reversed.  I am on the receiving end of the gift.  I believe the trip took about 45 minutes but it could have been an eternity. I think it was an eternity. In that trip I thought about every feeling I've had over 18 years. Everything I've missed. Every fever, every game, every step, every concert, every sibling fight...I just stared out the window and tried not to get too emotional.  Luckily Bree was there to keep the conversation going -- about the rolling hills, the town, the everyday life...anything and everything but what we were doing there.  To meet my son. Her nephew. The first great great grandson. The first great grandson of my grandfather. The first grandson of my father. My first everything.
We pulled up. N turned around and asked how we should do this. I just sat still.  It was decided that N would go and get him.  It was a busy track meet - everyone must have known we were on our way. The weather was calm and clear. I was just in shock.
I see N run across the parking lot (fast!) and go down to find him.  The next thing I know, I see a young man walking across the parking lot.  He is taller than I expected.  I think I mumbled "oh my gosh...oh my gosh..." because this was real. He was real.

I struggled to open the van door.  He looked in to see me.  Love at first sight never really meant anything to me. Except for this day.  The look in his eyes, the smile on his face.  How many days had I waited to see it? Too many.  Nothing could have prepared me for this exact moment - looking into those huge brown eyes I could see everything.  I could see the girls especially.  I could see what I'd hoped to see most, which was happiness.  Not just to see me (although I had hoped and prayed he would be happy to see me!) but happy.
I finally climbed out and hugged that hug you never want to let go.

For years I wondered. I wished. I hoped. At this very moment, I felt peace.  What I didn't expect was to feel my soul connect with another.  This instant bond that is such a miracle.  The days that followed were nothing short of amazing. He has grown to be a spectacular young man.  He is a little piece of me that has been guided to greatness by his parents. How do you say thank you from either end of this situation? When I was on the giving end, it felt like the best choice - but I struggled with it for almost every day that followed. Some days were pure grief.  He was never far from my thoughts.  My heart broke in two that day that I said goodbye.  It is now healed completely.

N said that there are really no words. There are no words for any of the feelings we feel.  Sitting in church on Sunday, watching this young man bless the sacrament made every feeling I've ever felt worth it.  Worth the sacrifice because he would not be who he is or where he is today without his parents. Or without me. NO WORDS. No day will ever compare to this one. My baby. My boy.
Our boy.