This was actually taken on Halloween.....so she was pretty big here...
I was in a hospital bed. Very alone as my family ditched me (okay, so it was for a wedding but still...they were ALL gone)> I was drugged up beyond belief on MAG (horrible horrible horrible). I wasn't sure what was going on, other than I couldn't see. I couldn't lift my hands. I couldn't eat. I was about 99 days ahead of schedule to have my sweet little girl.
They did an ultrasound that day to see why she was experiencing so many decerations when I had contractions. They couldn't find anything really. They had the hardest time finding her and keeping probes on her because she was so small. The nurse estimated that she would be about 2 pounds. That's tiny. I was on day 3 of my hospital stay (I think...it's a little blurry). The doctor decided to take me off of the Mag because the contractions weren't registering on their machine and from what they could tell, I wasn't having contractions as I said I was.
**Maybe I should have been a little more clear about the fact that I had HAD babies already. I'm pretty sure that when I have a contraction, I know what it feels like. Like morning sickness. I know the second I have *that* feeling, I'm pregnant.**
I labored all night - (alone, thanks guys for your support) and by the early morning of October 9th I called mom to tell her that all of those *fakey fake* contractions were real. And that I was the lucky winner of a C-section. Immediately.
These things are so hazy now. I remember being sad and in pain and mostly in a daze. A complete daze about what was to come.
And then - Chloe came.
What a darling little baby. What a tiny little baby. Two years have passed. Two long-ish, short-ish years of pain and happiness. If those doctors could see her now. If I could have just hit fast-forward for a SECOND I think I could have handled being in the NICU with Chloe for three (that's 3. THREE L O N G months...) much better. But maybe she wouldn't have turned out as well had I not had those feelings then... Maybe had I not spent every day, almost ALL day sitting there next to her bed praying, wanting, yearning, she would not be as she is today. I don't know. What I do know, is that she is miraculous. She is amazing. She is the happiest baby. Ever. She has come leaps and bounds. And she KNOWS she's special (so she's a little spoiled, she deserves it).
They did an ultrasound that day to see why she was experiencing so many decerations when I had contractions. They couldn't find anything really. They had the hardest time finding her and keeping probes on her because she was so small. The nurse estimated that she would be about 2 pounds. That's tiny. I was on day 3 of my hospital stay (I think...it's a little blurry). The doctor decided to take me off of the Mag because the contractions weren't registering on their machine and from what they could tell, I wasn't having contractions as I said I was.
**Maybe I should have been a little more clear about the fact that I had HAD babies already. I'm pretty sure that when I have a contraction, I know what it feels like. Like morning sickness. I know the second I have *that* feeling, I'm pregnant.**
I labored all night - (alone, thanks guys for your support) and by the early morning of October 9th I called mom to tell her that all of those *fakey fake* contractions were real. And that I was the lucky winner of a C-section. Immediately.
These things are so hazy now. I remember being sad and in pain and mostly in a daze. A complete daze about what was to come.
And then - Chloe came.
What a darling little baby. What a tiny little baby. Two years have passed. Two long-ish, short-ish years of pain and happiness. If those doctors could see her now. If I could have just hit fast-forward for a SECOND I think I could have handled being in the NICU with Chloe for three (that's 3. THREE L O N G months...) much better. But maybe she wouldn't have turned out as well had I not had those feelings then... Maybe had I not spent every day, almost ALL day sitting there next to her bed praying, wanting, yearning, she would not be as she is today. I don't know. What I do know, is that she is miraculous. She is amazing. She is the happiest baby. Ever. She has come leaps and bounds. And she KNOWS she's special (so she's a little spoiled, she deserves it).
There were moments in caring for her when I wondered if she would remember anything from her time in the NICU. During the time that a baby is not even supposed to be exposed to the outside world. Away from security, with no loving Mother there to hold and comfort her. What can that do to a child?
I showed Chloe the video at the bottom of this page to see her reaction. Immediately she made a frowny face. She held her hands to her chest like she wanted to hold that baby. She even acted like she was going to cry for the baby. That made me cry. What a sweet baby.
To think that at one time we sat next to her isolette - watching the blood transfusions...watching the IVs fail...watching multiple doctors come in to see what they could do for her...watching the monitors NEVER be silent...looking at the Xrays of lungs with nothing but whiteness.....wondering if this child would thank us for the work being done. Wondering if we were doing what we should be doing for her. Wondering if she would be alive tomorrow.
Have you ever looked at your child and wondered if they would live through the night?
This baby changed our lives. She is a miracle. I've been convinced since she arrived that she had a purpose. I've been accused of spoiling her...and even over reacting when she gets sick (thanks BL)... but really, how can you not over react with such a child?
I figure that someday I will not over react. Maybe someday I'll even get mad at her. Maybe someday she'll disappoint (I doubt it). Maybe someday she'll sit and watch the video of herself and not be sad.
So this is mostly about me and my feelings...tomorrow is her birthday. And tomorrow will be about her. This little two (2) year old that is now running, jumping, playing, talking, laughing and living. Our sweet baby. My sweet baby.
4 comments:
Beautiful, Mandy! You spoil that sweet girl all you want! And maybe one day, I'll actually get to meet your little angel...
way to make a sister cry. thanks for that. so sorry i abandoned you in the hospital to be at JR's wedding! oh, the guilt! i came as soon as i could...never forget the moment i walked into your hospital room. fear, happiness, fear...you've done a great job with such a sweet little girl. felt like those long NICU days would never end...but they did. Like everything...it continually moves forward & we just keep going. xo, bree
That made me cry. You have no idea the strengh you have shown your baby. You led by example and that is why she is here today. Two years ago today, I was getting a bedside in the NICU ready for the next little soul that would enter the world and need specialized care. As the nurse in charge told me I was up for the 27 weeker being taken to c-section, I had to ask the last name. I'm glad I did. I knew I would not be strong enough that day to put my fear for you two aside and do what was needed. I couldn't be her nurse, not on that first day. I regretted it a little, but I was able to look in on her and help with her care at times. I got to be her nurse on a much better day, the Christmas that you and I and Julie got stuck in the NICU. If only the docs could see her now, she is a complete miracle. You did it Mandy, your faith was enough. You deserve all the sweetness that is Chloe.
Mandy you have done such a great job with Chlover. How I have regretted not staying home and being there for you when you ended up in the hospital and having that precious little baby girl. She is an amazing little girl and I enjoyed staying with you for that time and watch her learn new things and grow. Im sorry that things didn't work out the way that they should have. I miss you so much now and I don't know if you will ever forgive me for that. I love you, and you are an amazing mom, don't let anyone tell you any different.
Post a Comment